Puppetmaster
by Ayla Pascal
Summary: Helen looks over the events in her life that have led up to the present.


Author Notes: I was inspired by the discussion over at the Primeval Denial community. I'm playing a bit fast and loose with canon here, I think. Although given that we're dealing with time travel, maybe not!

-*-

I never meant to kill Nick. It was an accident.

As I stood there on that overcast day, feeling the rain drizzle onto my umbrella, I knew that I had to fix it.

"Ashes to ashes," the priest murmured. I could hear women, men, children crying, but my own eyes were dry.

What must they all think of me? I wondered. Cold unfeeling Helen.

People walked slowly past me to pay their respects. I shook all of their hands and accepted their condolences. Stephen walked past and looked at me with a question in his eyes. I was careful to keep my expression smooth. I knew that he suspected that Nick knew. He suspected me.

But I was going to fix it.

We were never going to get into that argument. Nick was never going to go and storm off in the middle of the night. There was going to be no horrifying sound of a car skidding on wet asphalt outside our house. I would never have to stand out in the pouring rain, in my nightgown, shivering to see my husband's broken body on the road.

And I knew exactly how I was going to fix it.

-*-

The discovery of the anomalies was my little secret. I wanted to share it with Nick but we had already grown apart by then. His eyes no longer lit up with joy every time I told him about one of my discoveries. Instead I could see something that looked remarkably like jealousy.

It burned me. The idea that my husband could be jealous of something that we could share together.

So I guarded my secret.

I could have told Stephen but I didn't trust him enough. He would have wanted to share my secret with the world and I just wasn't ready for that.

I had an entire universe to explore and this time it wasn't going to be for fun.

-*-

My first attempt was disastrous. I came back to an England I barely recognised. Black-belted Party members patrolled the streets and I barely escaped their grasp.

I couldn't resist the urge to visit my own house. Standing outside in the street, I saw my alternate self screaming at her husband.

Some things never change, I realised.

-*-

Slowly, I learned how to predict the anomalies. Controlling them was more difficult. They had a sentience of their own. Rips in the very fabric of spacetime that had absorbed the deaths of trillions of souls and yet, were still pristine.

Every time I stepped through, I knew that there was a chance I would never return. I wonder what that would mean for my universe. For – despite the fact I was trying to change everything – it still felt like _my _universe.

I came to realise that part of the control came from certainty. If I believed I could control it, it became easier.

The scientific part of my mind balked at this nonsense, but most of me was fascinated. Here was something that broke all of the laws of physics. Why shouldn't it work on emotions as well?

-*-

I settled on what seemed like a reasonable compromise. I had disappeared – been presumed dead – from this universe for eight years. I watched as familiar people I knew became strangers – yet, still strangely I recognised them.

I continued to watch, interfering only slightly, until – horrified – I watched as Nick died again before my eyes.

This time, it was not a fight with his wife. Rather he was saving a woman. Claudia Brown.

My lip curled.

Pathetic specimen of a woman.

I hadn't come this far to watch my husband die again.

-*-

With only slight tweaking on my behalf, I watched as Claudia Brown became Jenny Lewis. I was proud. I felt almost like a mother. Jenny was everything Claudia hadn't been and I liked her far more.

I hoped that she would never require Nick to save her.

-*-

Each new universe I made was better than the last, but each had its faults. I knew that it was my responsibility to fix them.

Changing the universe was addictive. I was determined to discover everything there was to know about the universe and with that knowledge create a perfect world. It was possible. I knew it. I had the knowledge at my fingertips.

I had already changed the world enough times and while doing so, the world had changed me.

I no longer felt like Helen Cutter, Nick Cutter's wife, palaeontologist and resident genius. I was something, different, something more.

I was going to create my perfect world. Some day.

But for now, I was happy to sit and wait and watch. Watch as my husband slowly forgot Claudia and flirted with Jenny. Watched with amusement as Abby and Connor got over their awkwardness. Watched as people lived their lives.

While I stood above it all, twitching the strings.

- fin


End file.
